November.

Another November has come and gone, and to be quite honest, it could not have left fast enough. For a little breakdown of how the month went, not only did I have to deal with the anniversary of my father's death, but my fur baby, Lucky, our black lab got really sick and we had to put him down. My husband was offshore for that. Thanksgiving came next, our first without Mom. Then it ended with both my babies sick, he was offshore for that too. But, I put my cape on, sucked it up and dealt with it all, thankful that I only had to deal with coughs and ear aches, I know some moms out there have it far worse than I do.

A little about Lucky, we got Lucky in May of 2008, 4 months after we got married, my husband thought that it was time that I lived at our house when he was offshore instead of going to my parents because I was too afraid to be by myself. Lucky, was a good dog, and a VERY spoiled dog. Which made losing him even harder. We felt like we did everything right, only to lose him before he was even 4 years old. Lucky was not only our dog, he was our baby, and for 2 years he was our only baby. There was a period of time when we weren't getting pregnant that I was convinced he would be our only baby for a long time. Now that he is gone it is like a piece of our family is  missing. My heart is broken for him, and I miss him so much. I know though, that "all dogs go to heaven" and I know without a doubt that my dad had a tennis ball waiting for him when he got there. 

People tell me that anniversaries, birthdays and holidays are the hardest. But, to be quite honest I haven't found them to be any different from a regular day. Maybe that is because I haven't gotten "there" yet, to the place where it feels easier. See, in my world everyday is hard, every day hurts. I can't say that I don't feel sad every day, I do. I feel happy every day too, but that has everything to do with my girls, my husband and the people I surround myself with. It has nothing to do with it being easier. Some days are still harder than others, but every day is hard. Every day there is something that reminds me of them not being here. I want so badly for them to be here, sharing my life with me. I want to see the look in there eyes when Carlee smiles at them, when Izabella says "Maw Maw" or "Paw Paw." I want them.

The anniversary of my daddy's death felt just like it did the day before and the day after. It hurt. It was hard to believe that it had been a year. My heart has kept beating for one whole year since his stopped. I dont understand how one year can go by so quickly. 

Then there was Thanksgiving. I had to convince one brother to go to my Grandma's, and I really do understand why it was hard for him to go, there was this huge hole where they should have been. But he went and I was so proud of him. So, for the first time since my mom's funeral, all 4 of us were in the same place. It was nice, and hard at the same time. I could see in my mind the chair my mom would have been in holding Carlee, trying to convince Bella & Amanda to sit on her, my dad playing with the older kids outside. Then I would blink and just like that they were gone. And I know without a doubt that no matter how hard it was for the 4 of us, there were two people who had an even harder day. My grandmothers. 

My mom's mom: There are moments when we are all together and I will look at her and just know that she is thinking of the daughter that she had to say goodbye to. And I pray that I never have to know that pain. She is a lot like my mom though, she keeps it bottled up. Always wanting to make sure everyone else is ok. I think I get that from them. I try to be strong for everyone around me, when in reality it feels like I have to wrap my arms around myself to keep from falling apart.

My dad's mom: She cries 90% of the time she sees me, which makes me cry in return. It's hard to know what she is thinking. She is a woman who has been through a lot in her life. Which made her strong. She is my weakness. She is the person who makes me breakdown, makes everything I feel come to the surface. 

So, it's been a year 1 month and 6 days since he left me, and my heart is still so crushed. Which only makes me wonder how hard it would be for her if she were still here...


P.S. I fully intend on staying in bed all of November 2012.