Selfish.

How selfish of me to want you here. To want you to live in pain physically and emotionally so that I would not have to had suffer the loss of you. So that I would not have to know the pain of your death.

I find myself thinking "I want my mom" more than thinking "I want my dad." It is not because I loved my mom more, or miss her mom. I loved my parents equally, I miss them just the same. But, I have had more time to cope with my dad's death than with my mom, and not just the 2 months 3 weeks in between.

I had feared my dad's death for a very very long time. When I was 10 he had his 1st heart attack, 16 for his 2nd, his 3rd was 3 weeks before his 4th, the one that took him from us. No one expected him to live til 80, but we certainly hoped it would be a lot longer than 59. I use to watch him breathe. He would fall asleep on the couch and I would literally stand over him and watch him breathe in and out. If he was taking a nap in his room, and I was about to leave, I would wake him up just to tell him "bye," I am certain he loved that. But I was always so scared. Except after his 3rd. After that one, I thought, "ok, he's patched up" we will have more time. I never imagined that "more time" would only be 3 weeks. But living in fear of my dad's death left me with less time to even contemplate my mom's. Of course, she wasn't the healthiest either. But diabetes is not a disease that takes your life quickly, and I thought I had years to prepare. But I didn't, and now she is gone.

I guess what I am saying is that while I miss them both the same, it's been easier for me to accept and process my dad's death. While I still find myself having a hard time convincing myself that my mom is really not here.

When I think about how hard it is for me without him, how much I still ache for him, I cannot imagine how she would feel. If she were here today, one year without the love of her life I cannot imagine what her life would be like. How selfish of me to wish that kind of pain on her.