January 2nd is quickly approaching. January 2nd is not the last day I spoke to my mother, that day was January 24th, the day I said goodbye, the 2nd was the last day she was able to speak back. On January 3rd she slipped into a coma. On January 3rd I realized just how much more I needed to say, just how much more I needed her to tell me. You don't realize how many questions you have for a person until they are no longer able to answer them.
So here is my little assignment for you. That question you've been meaning to ask but never got around to, ASK. That dish you want to learn to cook, that top secret ingredient, LEARN IT, GET IT. The advice you need but have been to embarrassed to talk about or too proud, ASK. LEARN. REMEMBER.
Don't put it off til tomorrow. We just aren't promised a tomorrow. Pick up the phone, get in your car and go visit. Just do it today.
Here are a few of the things I want to know but never will:
I wish I knew their whole love story. I know some things, how they met, a few of their funny date stories, but I don't know enough. I don't know how they got engaged. I don't know when they knew they were in love. I know some little things and some big things, but now I wish I knew everything.
I want to know things about me (I don't have a baby book) things like, did I take a noonie? When did I take my first steps, was I a happy baby? What age was I potty trained? How the heck do you potty train your child??
My mom use to make this chili that was supposedly really good, I would not know, I do not eat chili. But no one knows her recipe, it was her secret. And even though I don't eat it, I wish I had it, so when I cooked it for my family it would be from her.
My dad made me awesome biscuits, pretty much every day. Pioneer biscuit mix, sugar, and milk. I know the ingredients, but no matter how many times I make them they never taste as good as his. I wish I could stand on the side of him and watch, instead of sit in the living room and wait.
I wish I knew my mom's favorite book, my dad's favorite brand of bacon. I wish I knew them better. I'll never get to know more from them than I do now because I never asked.
So, do it today, ask your questions, learn, remember. Today! You may not get a tomorrow.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Selfish.
How selfish of me to want you here. To want you to live in pain physically and emotionally so that I would not have to had suffer the loss of you. So that I would not have to know the pain of your death.
I find myself thinking "I want my mom" more than thinking "I want my dad." It is not because I loved my mom more, or miss her mom. I loved my parents equally, I miss them just the same. But, I have had more time to cope with my dad's death than with my mom, and not just the 2 months 3 weeks in between.
I had feared my dad's death for a very very long time. When I was 10 he had his 1st heart attack, 16 for his 2nd, his 3rd was 3 weeks before his 4th, the one that took him from us. No one expected him to live til 80, but we certainly hoped it would be a lot longer than 59. I use to watch him breathe. He would fall asleep on the couch and I would literally stand over him and watch him breathe in and out. If he was taking a nap in his room, and I was about to leave, I would wake him up just to tell him "bye," I am certain he loved that. But I was always so scared. Except after his 3rd. After that one, I thought, "ok, he's patched up" we will have more time. I never imagined that "more time" would only be 3 weeks. But living in fear of my dad's death left me with less time to even contemplate my mom's. Of course, she wasn't the healthiest either. But diabetes is not a disease that takes your life quickly, and I thought I had years to prepare. But I didn't, and now she is gone.
I guess what I am saying is that while I miss them both the same, it's been easier for me to accept and process my dad's death. While I still find myself having a hard time convincing myself that my mom is really not here.
When I think about how hard it is for me without him, how much I still ache for him, I cannot imagine how she would feel. If she were here today, one year without the love of her life I cannot imagine what her life would be like. How selfish of me to wish that kind of pain on her.
I find myself thinking "I want my mom" more than thinking "I want my dad." It is not because I loved my mom more, or miss her mom. I loved my parents equally, I miss them just the same. But, I have had more time to cope with my dad's death than with my mom, and not just the 2 months 3 weeks in between.
I had feared my dad's death for a very very long time. When I was 10 he had his 1st heart attack, 16 for his 2nd, his 3rd was 3 weeks before his 4th, the one that took him from us. No one expected him to live til 80, but we certainly hoped it would be a lot longer than 59. I use to watch him breathe. He would fall asleep on the couch and I would literally stand over him and watch him breathe in and out. If he was taking a nap in his room, and I was about to leave, I would wake him up just to tell him "bye," I am certain he loved that. But I was always so scared. Except after his 3rd. After that one, I thought, "ok, he's patched up" we will have more time. I never imagined that "more time" would only be 3 weeks. But living in fear of my dad's death left me with less time to even contemplate my mom's. Of course, she wasn't the healthiest either. But diabetes is not a disease that takes your life quickly, and I thought I had years to prepare. But I didn't, and now she is gone.
I guess what I am saying is that while I miss them both the same, it's been easier for me to accept and process my dad's death. While I still find myself having a hard time convincing myself that my mom is really not here.
When I think about how hard it is for me without him, how much I still ache for him, I cannot imagine how she would feel. If she were here today, one year without the love of her life I cannot imagine what her life would be like. How selfish of me to wish that kind of pain on her.
Friday, December 9, 2011
November.
Another November has come and gone, and to be quite honest, it could not have left fast enough. For a little breakdown of how the month went, not only did I have to deal with the anniversary of my father's death, but my fur baby, Lucky, our black lab got really sick and we had to put him down. My husband was offshore for that. Thanksgiving came next, our first without Mom. Then it ended with both my babies sick, he was offshore for that too. But, I put my cape on, sucked it up and dealt with it all, thankful that I only had to deal with coughs and ear aches, I know some moms out there have it far worse than I do.
A little about Lucky, we got Lucky in May of 2008, 4 months after we got married, my husband thought that it was time that I lived at our house when he was offshore instead of going to my parents because I was too afraid to be by myself. Lucky, was a good dog, and a VERY spoiled dog. Which made losing him even harder. We felt like we did everything right, only to lose him before he was even 4 years old. Lucky was not only our dog, he was our baby, and for 2 years he was our only baby. There was a period of time when we weren't getting pregnant that I was convinced he would be our only baby for a long time. Now that he is gone it is like a piece of our family is missing. My heart is broken for him, and I miss him so much. I know though, that "all dogs go to heaven" and I know without a doubt that my dad had a tennis ball waiting for him when he got there.
People tell me that anniversaries, birthdays and holidays are the hardest. But, to be quite honest I haven't found them to be any different from a regular day. Maybe that is because I haven't gotten "there" yet, to the place where it feels easier. See, in my world everyday is hard, every day hurts. I can't say that I don't feel sad every day, I do. I feel happy every day too, but that has everything to do with my girls, my husband and the people I surround myself with. It has nothing to do with it being easier. Some days are still harder than others, but every day is hard. Every day there is something that reminds me of them not being here. I want so badly for them to be here, sharing my life with me. I want to see the look in there eyes when Carlee smiles at them, when Izabella says "Maw Maw" or "Paw Paw." I want them.
The anniversary of my daddy's death felt just like it did the day before and the day after. It hurt. It was hard to believe that it had been a year. My heart has kept beating for one whole year since his stopped. I dont understand how one year can go by so quickly.
Then there was Thanksgiving. I had to convince one brother to go to my Grandma's, and I really do understand why it was hard for him to go, there was this huge hole where they should have been. But he went and I was so proud of him. So, for the first time since my mom's funeral, all 4 of us were in the same place. It was nice, and hard at the same time. I could see in my mind the chair my mom would have been in holding Carlee, trying to convince Bella & Amanda to sit on her, my dad playing with the older kids outside. Then I would blink and just like that they were gone. And I know without a doubt that no matter how hard it was for the 4 of us, there were two people who had an even harder day. My grandmothers.
My mom's mom: There are moments when we are all together and I will look at her and just know that she is thinking of the daughter that she had to say goodbye to. And I pray that I never have to know that pain. She is a lot like my mom though, she keeps it bottled up. Always wanting to make sure everyone else is ok. I think I get that from them. I try to be strong for everyone around me, when in reality it feels like I have to wrap my arms around myself to keep from falling apart.
My dad's mom: She cries 90% of the time she sees me, which makes me cry in return. It's hard to know what she is thinking. She is a woman who has been through a lot in her life. Which made her strong. She is my weakness. She is the person who makes me breakdown, makes everything I feel come to the surface.
So, it's been a year 1 month and 6 days since he left me, and my heart is still so crushed. Which only makes me wonder how hard it would be for her if she were still here...
P.S. I fully intend on staying in bed all of November 2012.
A little about Lucky, we got Lucky in May of 2008, 4 months after we got married, my husband thought that it was time that I lived at our house when he was offshore instead of going to my parents because I was too afraid to be by myself. Lucky, was a good dog, and a VERY spoiled dog. Which made losing him even harder. We felt like we did everything right, only to lose him before he was even 4 years old. Lucky was not only our dog, he was our baby, and for 2 years he was our only baby. There was a period of time when we weren't getting pregnant that I was convinced he would be our only baby for a long time. Now that he is gone it is like a piece of our family is missing. My heart is broken for him, and I miss him so much. I know though, that "all dogs go to heaven" and I know without a doubt that my dad had a tennis ball waiting for him when he got there.
People tell me that anniversaries, birthdays and holidays are the hardest. But, to be quite honest I haven't found them to be any different from a regular day. Maybe that is because I haven't gotten "there" yet, to the place where it feels easier. See, in my world everyday is hard, every day hurts. I can't say that I don't feel sad every day, I do. I feel happy every day too, but that has everything to do with my girls, my husband and the people I surround myself with. It has nothing to do with it being easier. Some days are still harder than others, but every day is hard. Every day there is something that reminds me of them not being here. I want so badly for them to be here, sharing my life with me. I want to see the look in there eyes when Carlee smiles at them, when Izabella says "Maw Maw" or "Paw Paw." I want them.
The anniversary of my daddy's death felt just like it did the day before and the day after. It hurt. It was hard to believe that it had been a year. My heart has kept beating for one whole year since his stopped. I dont understand how one year can go by so quickly.
Then there was Thanksgiving. I had to convince one brother to go to my Grandma's, and I really do understand why it was hard for him to go, there was this huge hole where they should have been. But he went and I was so proud of him. So, for the first time since my mom's funeral, all 4 of us were in the same place. It was nice, and hard at the same time. I could see in my mind the chair my mom would have been in holding Carlee, trying to convince Bella & Amanda to sit on her, my dad playing with the older kids outside. Then I would blink and just like that they were gone. And I know without a doubt that no matter how hard it was for the 4 of us, there were two people who had an even harder day. My grandmothers.
My mom's mom: There are moments when we are all together and I will look at her and just know that she is thinking of the daughter that she had to say goodbye to. And I pray that I never have to know that pain. She is a lot like my mom though, she keeps it bottled up. Always wanting to make sure everyone else is ok. I think I get that from them. I try to be strong for everyone around me, when in reality it feels like I have to wrap my arms around myself to keep from falling apart.
My dad's mom: She cries 90% of the time she sees me, which makes me cry in return. It's hard to know what she is thinking. She is a woman who has been through a lot in her life. Which made her strong. She is my weakness. She is the person who makes me breakdown, makes everything I feel come to the surface.
So, it's been a year 1 month and 6 days since he left me, and my heart is still so crushed. Which only makes me wonder how hard it would be for her if she were still here...
P.S. I fully intend on staying in bed all of November 2012.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)