It's been 1 year since my brothers and I made the hardest decision we ever had to and I pray we ever will have to when we told our Mother's doctors that we didnt want her to suffer any longer. It's been 12 months since I whispered in her ear that I wish she would stay but that it was okay if she wanted to be with Daddy. It's been 365 days since I watched my mom take her last breath. And I quite honestly don't feel any better than I did that day. My heart still hurts, I still find myself begging God to send her back. Some days it feels like my chest is so heavy it will cave in. I cry, I scream, I beg, I get angry, I get sad, and I try so hard to find some sort of peace. But I am not there yet, at a place where I have found peace in my parents' deaths. I don't even think I am close to there.
I have learned though, losing them has taught me so much. I've learned to say what I need to say when I need to say it. I say "I love you" 100 times more, because you can never hear it enough. I appreciate everything I have in my life and have learned to let go of the things I dont have or can't have. I have learned that taking a few hours a week to do things I love to do, read, get my hair done or my nails, watch a movie, is not selfish but it is good for the soul.
I havent figured anything out about the grieving process, except for that there is no wrong way to do it. The truth is, I am not really in the writing mood today, I have nothing original to say, I really just want to get back to cleaning my bathrooms, because cleaning makes me feeling better.
So here is what I said the day we laid my mom to rest:
Good Morning... My brothers and I are once again overwhelmed by the love and support we have been shown not only over the last 3 weeks but for the last 3 months. So many people, some we know and a lot we don't, have reached out to us and shared stories and their memories of our Mother with us. We never realized how many lives she has touched until now.
Julia Anne Ockman was born on March 26, 1955 the oldest of 4 children born to Wilson "WaWa" and Margaret Ockman. On August 17, 1974 she married Carl Trosclair Jr, that same year she started her journey as a teacher. She was a mother to 3 sons, Shane, Steven and Carl III, and one daughter, Emilee. A Grandmother to 8 little angels, Camden, Seth, Brody, Caitlyn, Cole, Drew, Izabella and Amanda.
My mother was the one known for standing behind a podium in our family. She was a teacher to her core. She never believed their was a child that could not be taught, a child that she could not teach. We estimate that over her 37 year teaching career that she taught nearly 4000 students, including summer school and tutoring. I can only hope to touch a fraction of the number of lives my mom has. She was an inspiration not only to the students she taught but also to the teachers she taught with. many of whom have shared with us over the last few weeks just how much she meant to them, she was their shoulder to lean on, their mentor.
Over the last few years when walking more than a few feet became impossible, she still got out of bed in the morning, went to the school that had become a second home to her and taught students she had grown to love. if you are wondering where my brothers and I have gotten strength over the last few weeks, it's from her, because she raised us and she was the strongest woman I have ever known.
She wasn't only an incredible teacher, she was a daughter, sister, aunt, nanny, friend, and she was amazing at all of them.
To her 4 children the most important roles she held in life were those of, wife, mother and grandmother...
my mom and dad's love story was an epic one. I never knew what heartbreak looked like until I saw my mom lose my dad. I can only pray that after 36 years my husband and I love and adore each other the way in which my parents loved and adored one another.
Our mother was our cheerleader and biggest fan in life. She always encouraged us to dream big, set goals for ourselves and go after them. She sacrificed her nails and hair color for us. You could either find her pacing nervously at a baseball game or at a pageant. She loved them both because it's what made us happy. She supported us without pushing us, so when I decided I no longer wanted to dance and Steven only made it through one peewee football practice she made sure we knew that was ok, she was still proud of us.
She taught us that family would always be the most important and precious gift we have in life. A lesson I am grateful to have learned because I realize that it is with each other our family will begin to heal during the hardest time in our life.
She instilled in us so many of her traits and values that we will pass along to our children, her favorite people in the world, her 8 grand babies.
My mom loved being a maw maw. She was so proud to tell everyone about each one of them, and even more proud to pull out her brag books. My heart hurts knowing the baby I am carrying, will never get to meet her, but it's comforting to know that our children have 2 amazing angels who will have the best seats watching them grow up.
I can only hope to be half the mother to my children that my mom was to me. That when my daughter has a broken heart, I find the words to help her heal. When she is happy I can share in her joy. When she is sad she comes to me for comfort. that I make sure my children always know that I am proud to be their Mother. And that when they need advice because they are unsure of how to be a parent, they come to me and I find a way to reassure them, the way my mom has done for me over the last year.
I'd like to imagine that if my mom were able to speak to all of us today she would tell us not to be sad for her, because she is in a better place. A place where she is in no pain and can walk, run, or dance with her husband, a place where there is a marching band for her to lead, an endless library of books to read, a baseball game for her to watch, a never-ending mardi GRAS parade with beads to catch and a classroom of students who need to be taught.... I'd imagine she'd simply say to us, "class dismissed."
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