one week.

In exactly one week my world will change once again, but this time it's an amazing change. One week from today (if not before) my husband and I will be welcoming our second daughter into the world. I am a crazy mix of emotions right now! From terrified, to thrilled, to overwhelmed. I am trying to sort through all of the crazy things I am feeling!


I know it will be a bittersweet day for me, and I am sure for some of my family. Bitter because it will be another event that reminds me of what I have lost. It will be a reminder that they aren't here. Sweet because my family will be complete, the gift that my father sent to me, will finally be in my arms. I would be lying if I said that I am not terrified. Will I be strong enough? My daughters birth will be the true indicator of how I am actually coping. It will be the first big event that my parents are not here to see. Of course, I know that they are watching. But, let's face it, it is just not the same as if they were here to hold my hand, hold my daughter.


I could never explain what Carlee means to me, she isn't even here yet and she has changed my world, changed the way I view the world. She has shown me that life really does go on. She has given me hope when I have felt completely hopeless. She has been my light at the end of a long dark tunnel. And I am pretty sure she has been that for other members of my family. Carlee's birth will be the first really positive big event in a lot of our lives. She is such a special baby, I hope one day she truly understands that. 


--Carlee Marie, she is named after my dad, Carl, and Zeb's two grandmothers whose middle names were both Marie. (Yes, I have had to explain that.) I cannot wait to meet her. I cannot wait to hold her. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life taking care of her and her big sister. I pray that I can have the impact on my daughters' lives that my parents had on mine. Izabella and Carlee truly saved my life. I have gotten out of bed every morning for the last 9 1/2 months for them, to make their lives the absolute best that I can. I hope I am doing a good job of that.


[Sometimes the thought of my parents never getting to meet Carlee is so overwhelming, I begin to panic. Then I take a deep breath and remind myself that they are with her now. Somewhere in heaven they are sitting on a swing watching the traffic go by, they are holding her and kissing her. They are telling her all about her Mom, her Dad and her big sister. They are getting her ready to meet us. They've been with her this whole time, taking care of her until she is here with us. They are teaching her everything that they would if they were still here. When I begin to panic about them not being here to welcome her, I remind myself that they are the ones sending her to me, that she will leave their arms as they place her in mine. Maybe this isn't the way your heaven works, but it is the way mine does. Believing this keeps me sane.]