Moving Forward...

When my mom was in a coma I wrote to her in a journal everyday. I had hoped that when she woke up she would be able to read it, read about what she had been through, what we were going through without her. I still write in the journal, to her, every now and then, however I cannot bring myself to read what I wrote to her in those 21 days.

I do not need to read about what happened in those 3 weeks. I relive those days, and the 2 months before, in my head every day. I go over every single detail, searching for something that could have changed the outcome. My mind knows that I need to accept that what happened cannot be undone, my heart just won't accept it.

I do not know how to stop wishing they would come back. I still need them. There are days that I still pick up the phone to call them, and my heart breaks all over again when I remember that they can't pick up. I need my Mother's advice, my Father's reassurance. I need their love. It's really that simple.

I've been trying really hard to figure out how to move forward with my life. Not move on, not forget them, but to take their memories, their love and all that they had taught me and move forward. I have realized that it's all about baby steps. It's the little steps along the way that will get you to where you need to be.

Here is what I have figured out so far... You LIVE. Life doesn't stop when you lose someone you love. There is no pause button that you can press and resume when you are ready. Life goes on.

There are still people here with me who love me, who need me. So, I get out of bed every day when I hear this little voice come on the monitor. I put a smile on my face, and we play, sing, dance, laugh. I read to her and teach her things. I comfort her when she is sad, reassure her when she is scared. We cuddle and I steal kisses. In those sweet moments, life is perfect. In those moments, I realize that everything my parents taught me, remained with me when they left, that a piece of them lives on in me, in my brothers, and in their grandchildren.

Of course, there are sad days, sad moments in every day. But I fight through them, determined to come out in one piece, determined to be the strong person I was raised to be. I know that this journey will have many steps, some forward, some backwards. Some happy moments, some sad, some bittersweet. But, it is a journey that I have to take, it is my life, my reality, and no matter how hard, I have to accept it, to learn to live with it.

I miss their voices, and I know what I can do to hear them. Pressing "play" on the DVD player once my wedding video is in has proven to be harder than I thought. Baby steps. I'll keep taking these "baby steps" until I get "there."

(As I am typing this at the kitchen counter, Bella is watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in the living room. I've had to stop writing 4 times in 30 minutes though, because when she pokes at me and puts her arms up for me to pick her up, I just can't resist. She wants to cuddle on the sofa with Mommy, and if there was one lesson my parents taught me, it's that you always put your children first.)