She won't ever remember the times she spent with them, but I will never forget.
Friday, July 22, 2011
wants and needs.
Today I have been thinking a lot about the difference between wants and needs. If there is really a difference at all.
All day I have found myself thinking "I need them," then, like I parent correcting a child, I remind myself that I do not "need" them, I "want" them. (You do not "need" that video game, you "want" it.)
But I wonder if in some cases there is really isn't a difference. No, I do not need my parents to physically survive, I want them. But what about emotionally? Emotionally I feel as though I need them. I know that I will technically survive without them. But, in what condition? Will I be a better person? A stronger person? Or, will I come out irreversible broken? That outcome has yet to be seen.
What has got me thinking about this today while yesterday seemed to be a good day?
For the last 3 days I have been in a lot of physical pain, normal at this stage of pregnancy. My doctor's advice is to stay off of my feet as much as possible. Not exactly easy to do with a 18 month old. A very active 18 month old. And of course, I hate having a messy house. So, all day I have been thinking, "I need them." Not because I would expect them to be here cleaning my house and taking care of my child. But because the only thing I can think of that would make me feel better is laying on my parents' couch watching a movie with my mom, while my dad and Izabella are outside swinging watching the traffic go by...
All day I have found myself thinking "I need them," then, like I parent correcting a child, I remind myself that I do not "need" them, I "want" them. (You do not "need" that video game, you "want" it.)
But I wonder if in some cases there is really isn't a difference. No, I do not need my parents to physically survive, I want them. But what about emotionally? Emotionally I feel as though I need them. I know that I will technically survive without them. But, in what condition? Will I be a better person? A stronger person? Or, will I come out irreversible broken? That outcome has yet to be seen.
What has got me thinking about this today while yesterday seemed to be a good day?
For the last 3 days I have been in a lot of physical pain, normal at this stage of pregnancy. My doctor's advice is to stay off of my feet as much as possible. Not exactly easy to do with a 18 month old. A very active 18 month old. And of course, I hate having a messy house. So, all day I have been thinking, "I need them." Not because I would expect them to be here cleaning my house and taking care of my child. But because the only thing I can think of that would make me feel better is laying on my parents' couch watching a movie with my mom, while my dad and Izabella are outside swinging watching the traffic go by...
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Moving Forward...
When my mom was in a coma I wrote to her in a journal everyday. I had hoped that when she woke up she would be able to read it, read about what she had been through, what we were going through without her. I still write in the journal, to her, every now and then, however I cannot bring myself to read what I wrote to her in those 21 days.
I do not need to read about what happened in those 3 weeks. I relive those days, and the 2 months before, in my head every day. I go over every single detail, searching for something that could have changed the outcome. My mind knows that I need to accept that what happened cannot be undone, my heart just won't accept it.
I do not know how to stop wishing they would come back. I still need them. There are days that I still pick up the phone to call them, and my heart breaks all over again when I remember that they can't pick up. I need my Mother's advice, my Father's reassurance. I need their love. It's really that simple.
I've been trying really hard to figure out how to move forward with my life. Not move on, not forget them, but to take their memories, their love and all that they had taught me and move forward. I have realized that it's all about baby steps. It's the little steps along the way that will get you to where you need to be.
Here is what I have figured out so far... You LIVE. Life doesn't stop when you lose someone you love. There is no pause button that you can press and resume when you are ready. Life goes on.
There are still people here with me who love me, who need me. So, I get out of bed every day when I hear this little voice come on the monitor. I put a smile on my face, and we play, sing, dance, laugh. I read to her and teach her things. I comfort her when she is sad, reassure her when she is scared. We cuddle and I steal kisses. In those sweet moments, life is perfect. In those moments, I realize that everything my parents taught me, remained with me when they left, that a piece of them lives on in me, in my brothers, and in their grandchildren.
Of course, there are sad days, sad moments in every day. But I fight through them, determined to come out in one piece, determined to be the strong person I was raised to be. I know that this journey will have many steps, some forward, some backwards. Some happy moments, some sad, some bittersweet. But, it is a journey that I have to take, it is my life, my reality, and no matter how hard, I have to accept it, to learn to live with it.
I miss their voices, and I know what I can do to hear them. Pressing "play" on the DVD player once my wedding video is in has proven to be harder than I thought. Baby steps. I'll keep taking these "baby steps" until I get "there."
(As I am typing this at the kitchen counter, Bella is watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in the living room. I've had to stop writing 4 times in 30 minutes though, because when she pokes at me and puts her arms up for me to pick her up, I just can't resist. She wants to cuddle on the sofa with Mommy, and if there was one lesson my parents taught me, it's that you always put your children first.)
I do not need to read about what happened in those 3 weeks. I relive those days, and the 2 months before, in my head every day. I go over every single detail, searching for something that could have changed the outcome. My mind knows that I need to accept that what happened cannot be undone, my heart just won't accept it.
I do not know how to stop wishing they would come back. I still need them. There are days that I still pick up the phone to call them, and my heart breaks all over again when I remember that they can't pick up. I need my Mother's advice, my Father's reassurance. I need their love. It's really that simple.
I've been trying really hard to figure out how to move forward with my life. Not move on, not forget them, but to take their memories, their love and all that they had taught me and move forward. I have realized that it's all about baby steps. It's the little steps along the way that will get you to where you need to be.
Here is what I have figured out so far... You LIVE. Life doesn't stop when you lose someone you love. There is no pause button that you can press and resume when you are ready. Life goes on.
There are still people here with me who love me, who need me. So, I get out of bed every day when I hear this little voice come on the monitor. I put a smile on my face, and we play, sing, dance, laugh. I read to her and teach her things. I comfort her when she is sad, reassure her when she is scared. We cuddle and I steal kisses. In those sweet moments, life is perfect. In those moments, I realize that everything my parents taught me, remained with me when they left, that a piece of them lives on in me, in my brothers, and in their grandchildren.
Of course, there are sad days, sad moments in every day. But I fight through them, determined to come out in one piece, determined to be the strong person I was raised to be. I know that this journey will have many steps, some forward, some backwards. Some happy moments, some sad, some bittersweet. But, it is a journey that I have to take, it is my life, my reality, and no matter how hard, I have to accept it, to learn to live with it.
I miss their voices, and I know what I can do to hear them. Pressing "play" on the DVD player once my wedding video is in has proven to be harder than I thought. Baby steps. I'll keep taking these "baby steps" until I get "there."
(As I am typing this at the kitchen counter, Bella is watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in the living room. I've had to stop writing 4 times in 30 minutes though, because when she pokes at me and puts her arms up for me to pick her up, I just can't resist. She wants to cuddle on the sofa with Mommy, and if there was one lesson my parents taught me, it's that you always put your children first.)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
My Mom.
January 2, 2011.
Zeb and I were on our way home from the Saints game, we had just ordered our food at Popeyes when Shane called and told me to get to the hospital, something was wrong with Mom. So, that is were we headed. The next few hours were very frustrating for all of us, for many reasons.
When I got to her side there were a couple of nurses trying to start an IV and draw blood, they were not very successful. I watched as the poked and poked my mom with needle after needle, even in her thumb. The tears in her eyes broke my heart. She was on this oxygen mask, not sure what its called, but it prevented her from talking. Her oxygen levels were very low and they didn't know why. I stayed with her til she told me to go home. I had a doctors appointment the next day to confirm my pregnancy, I told her I would see her right after. I kissed my mommy's cheek, told her I loved her and left.
January 3, 2011, the day our world turned upside down, again. Zeb and I were waiting for the doctor when we were called, I don't even remember by who, and told to get to the hospital right away, they were putting Mom on life support. I don't know the exact events of that morning, when I got there, she was intubated. I wouldn't be able to see her until the moved her to ICU. We had no idea of what was going on.
Shane and I waited in the little room where the doctors talk to the families, I hate those rooms. I remember the conversation we had like it was yesterday...
Shane: Em, this is really bad, Mom wants to be with Dad.
Me: No, God is not that cruel, he won't take her from us.
The next couple of hours are a blur. I don't remember who I talked to or what I heard, but this is what I know... My mom was in a coma from complications from the FLU. Yes, the flu. I remember breathing a sigh of relief, it was just the flu. We just had to be patient, wait for her body to fight off the flu, then she would wake up. I had hope and was so optimistic...
Then a week goes by, she still isn't awake and they cant give us any definite answers as to why. We knew that it could be for a few reasons, one of which was that her brain had suffered a low oxygen brain injury, one was that it was from the flu. I could not see her the first 8 days. The flu is contagious, and not safe for a woman in her first tri-mester. So, I sat in the ICU lobby and watched as our family went in and out, searching their faces for some sign of hope.
I wanted to be with my mom, I wanted to hold her hand and talk to her. When her doctors finally gave me the "okay" I really had a moment of "she will wake up as soon as she hears my voice." Wishful thinking. Every single day for the next 2 weeks I talked to my mom, I told her about my due date, about how sick I was feeling, about all the new things Izabella was learning. I talked to her about Izabella's birthday party, I told her she had to be there. For 2 weeks I talked to my mom every day, and prayed she could here me.
At the end of the 2nd week, beginning of the 3rd, something incredible happened, my mom opened her eyes! We had hope again. She was not focusing on anything, but still it was a sign of improvement, at least to us. But, after a few days, we all had to admit to ourselves that while her eyes were opening, she just wasn't there. We still had no definite answers, and my hope was fading fast.
21 days after my mom slipped into a coma, 2 months and 21 days after we said goodbye to our father, my brothers and I along with our spouses and grandmother gathered into one of those little rooms, with the same doctor who had told us our dad had no brain activity, and were once again given bad news. She wasn't improving, she should have been, he now believed that she was in a coma because of a low oxygen brain injury, he did not believe she would ever wake up. We had a choice to make, leave her on life support and transfer her to a long term care facility, or let her go.
It was never really our decision to make. We knew what our mom would have wanted, or rather what she would not have wanted.
January 24, 2011, 10:15pm, my mother joined my father in heaven and my heart was irreversibly crushed.
I was the only daughter, so my aunt and I picked out what my mom would be buried wearing, and I was able to do her hair and makeup. She was so beautiful. I gave her eulogy, and I watched as hundreds and hundreds of people cried and said goodbye to a woman who had touched their life, the woman who gave me life. I watched them close my moms casket, knowing I would never get to see her again, completely numb. I remained that way for quite some time, unable to process what I had just went through. There are many days that I still feel that way. I had promised to take care of her, and I have never felt more like a failure.
My family has not been all together since the day we laid our Mom to rest. I am not sure when we will be, I am not sure what it will be like, what we will be like. I do know that our parents taught us to love one another, and that we do.
Zeb and I were on our way home from the Saints game, we had just ordered our food at Popeyes when Shane called and told me to get to the hospital, something was wrong with Mom. So, that is were we headed. The next few hours were very frustrating for all of us, for many reasons.
When I got to her side there were a couple of nurses trying to start an IV and draw blood, they were not very successful. I watched as the poked and poked my mom with needle after needle, even in her thumb. The tears in her eyes broke my heart. She was on this oxygen mask, not sure what its called, but it prevented her from talking. Her oxygen levels were very low and they didn't know why. I stayed with her til she told me to go home. I had a doctors appointment the next day to confirm my pregnancy, I told her I would see her right after. I kissed my mommy's cheek, told her I loved her and left.
January 3, 2011, the day our world turned upside down, again. Zeb and I were waiting for the doctor when we were called, I don't even remember by who, and told to get to the hospital right away, they were putting Mom on life support. I don't know the exact events of that morning, when I got there, she was intubated. I wouldn't be able to see her until the moved her to ICU. We had no idea of what was going on.
Shane and I waited in the little room where the doctors talk to the families, I hate those rooms. I remember the conversation we had like it was yesterday...
Shane: Em, this is really bad, Mom wants to be with Dad.
Me: No, God is not that cruel, he won't take her from us.
The next couple of hours are a blur. I don't remember who I talked to or what I heard, but this is what I know... My mom was in a coma from complications from the FLU. Yes, the flu. I remember breathing a sigh of relief, it was just the flu. We just had to be patient, wait for her body to fight off the flu, then she would wake up. I had hope and was so optimistic...
Then a week goes by, she still isn't awake and they cant give us any definite answers as to why. We knew that it could be for a few reasons, one of which was that her brain had suffered a low oxygen brain injury, one was that it was from the flu. I could not see her the first 8 days. The flu is contagious, and not safe for a woman in her first tri-mester. So, I sat in the ICU lobby and watched as our family went in and out, searching their faces for some sign of hope.
I wanted to be with my mom, I wanted to hold her hand and talk to her. When her doctors finally gave me the "okay" I really had a moment of "she will wake up as soon as she hears my voice." Wishful thinking. Every single day for the next 2 weeks I talked to my mom, I told her about my due date, about how sick I was feeling, about all the new things Izabella was learning. I talked to her about Izabella's birthday party, I told her she had to be there. For 2 weeks I talked to my mom every day, and prayed she could here me.
At the end of the 2nd week, beginning of the 3rd, something incredible happened, my mom opened her eyes! We had hope again. She was not focusing on anything, but still it was a sign of improvement, at least to us. But, after a few days, we all had to admit to ourselves that while her eyes were opening, she just wasn't there. We still had no definite answers, and my hope was fading fast.
21 days after my mom slipped into a coma, 2 months and 21 days after we said goodbye to our father, my brothers and I along with our spouses and grandmother gathered into one of those little rooms, with the same doctor who had told us our dad had no brain activity, and were once again given bad news. She wasn't improving, she should have been, he now believed that she was in a coma because of a low oxygen brain injury, he did not believe she would ever wake up. We had a choice to make, leave her on life support and transfer her to a long term care facility, or let her go.
It was never really our decision to make. We knew what our mom would have wanted, or rather what she would not have wanted.
January 24, 2011, 10:15pm, my mother joined my father in heaven and my heart was irreversibly crushed.
I was the only daughter, so my aunt and I picked out what my mom would be buried wearing, and I was able to do her hair and makeup. She was so beautiful. I gave her eulogy, and I watched as hundreds and hundreds of people cried and said goodbye to a woman who had touched their life, the woman who gave me life. I watched them close my moms casket, knowing I would never get to see her again, completely numb. I remained that way for quite some time, unable to process what I had just went through. There are many days that I still feel that way. I had promised to take care of her, and I have never felt more like a failure.
My family has not been all together since the day we laid our Mom to rest. I am not sure when we will be, I am not sure what it will be like, what we will be like. I do know that our parents taught us to love one another, and that we do.
All because two people fell in love...
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