1 year 5 months.

It's been awhile. That is in part to never having time to sit at the computer, and not having anything new to say. But, I thought I would give a little update anyway. So, here is where I am at:

I still miss them. Everyday, all day. There is the hole in my heart, in my life where they should be. I find that as tine goes on I am use to them being gone in some ways, I no longer check my phone constantly to make sure my mom didn't call, I stopped picking up the phone to call them. I don't look to see if it is them in every silver Ford Focus I see. But in other ways the pain is getting worse, the hole is getting bigger. As my daughters get older, as they learn new things, my heart breaks, I want to share it with my mom and dad. I want Izabella to sing to them. I want my dad to swing with Carlee and my mom to sing in her ear. I want them to be a part of their lives, here on earth, with me. I know that is selfish, but it is what it is. I will never stop wanting them here with me. I may be 26 years old, a wife and a mother, but I am still just a girl who wants her Mommy and Daddy. Every part of me screams for them to be here with me.

One thing that has changed, or improved, I am not mad anymore. I've never talked about that here, because it "taboo" or just not something people like to admit to, but I was FURIOUS with God for a very long time. I tried really hard not to be, I tried to accept that it was HIS plan HIS will. I tried to accept that it was not for me to know why things happened the way they did. But I couldn't. I was mad. I was angry. I screamed. Then one day I woke up and didn't feel as mad as the day before, until I got here. I am not mad, I am not angry. I accept that it is HIS plan. It taught me to let go, to not dwell on the things that I cannot change. And it taught me to live. We are only given one life. And none of us know just how long that life will be. So, live it. Now, there is no pause button, no later. There is only now. It's taught me to not take anyone for granted. I am so blessed with amazing people in my life, people who have literally saved me and I hope I show them just how much I appreciate them.

And lastly, I can finally talk about them without breaking down. So, I talk about them a lot with the girls. I show pictures and try my best to explain to my 2 year old who they are and how much they loved her. And when we talk about Maw Maw Julia and Paw Paw Carl she smiles and says "my angels."

She is only 2 and her Sissy is only 7 months, but they have been my saving grace for the last year and 5 months. In the days and weeks following my mom's death, I got out of bed everyday to take care of Izabella, I took care of myself to take care of Carlee. They saved me.

The Miranda Lambert song, "Over You" sums up how I feel pretty perfectly, I will never get over them.

Before they left.

Sometimes I am reminded of how loved I am. How cared for I am. How much my parents loved me and how much they cared for me. I am reminded of this by the people they filled my life with. My parents worked very hard to not only be good role models but to fill my and my brothers' lives with good role models. People who love and care for us, people who want to still share in our lives. 

When I am at my loneliest and most vulnerable it's almost like I can hear them whisper to me, "we're still here." Now before you think I am crazy, let me give you a few examples...

The first day I was suppose to be alone with both my girls, my best friend's mom, we call her Neicy, came to stay with us. Knowing how completely overwhelmed I was, knowing that I was suffering from "baby blues," she sent me to relax with the girls while she straightened up my house. This was not the first nor the last time she did this. Let's just say that woman is truly an angel on earth. They could not be here with me, but made sure one of their angels was.

On the anniversary of my mom's death we received a message from one of my mom's friends from school telling us that she was thinking of us. That she looks at a picture of my mom that is in the lounge daily, that she loves and misses her, that she will always be their tiger. My mom could not check on me that day, but she made sure one of her oldest and dearest friends did.

And at the end of my daughters second birthday, around the time I was realizing that this was the second time I celebrated my baby's birthday without my parents, I received this from my mom's best friend, and her daughter, the friend I have had since I was 4:

It is a Christmas bear. I have gotten one every single Christmas since I was born. This Christmas was the first year I did not have one waiting for me, or so I thought. My mom's best friend, a woman whom I have called "Momma Mardel" since before I could even remember, said that for a week it was like my mom was trying to tell her something, when she saw my post on facebook about not getting one, she knew that is what it was. She knew my mom wanted her to get her baby girl a Christmas teddy since she no longer could. She will never quite understand just how much that meant to me. 


It's those little things and sometimes big things, that remind me that even though being without them sometimes makes me feel lonely, I am never truly alone. It's my best friend/sister, Megi, who knows that sometimes I just need someone to sit with and talk about anything and everything that does not involve my broken heart. It's Niecy dropping everything to babysit Carlee while I take Bella to Urgent Care, it's my Godfather calling at least once a month to just "chit chat" even though I know he is checking on me. It's my Aunt Ellen making cupcakes for Bella's birthday party, even though I never asked. It's my best friend Natalie bringing me gumbo, already strained, because she knows I have no idea how to cook gumbo, that my mom always did that for me. 


It's those little things, those big things. It's those emails, phone calls and gumbo. Its that teddy bear, that reminds me that even though I can no longer hear them say "I love you," I can feel it. I feel their love around me every single day. And just when I start to feel my heart breaking again, they send me a sign, telling me they are still here. 


They made sure that my life would still be filled with love, by filling it with incredible people before they left.

one year later, it still hurts.

It's been 1 year since my brothers and I made the hardest decision we ever had to and I pray we ever will have to when we told our Mother's doctors that we didnt want her to suffer any longer. It's been 12 months since I whispered in her ear that I wish she would stay but that it was okay if she wanted to be with Daddy. It's been 365 days since I watched my mom take her last breath. And I quite honestly don't feel any better than I did that day. My heart still hurts, I still find myself begging God to send her back. Some days it feels like my chest is so heavy it will cave in. I cry, I scream, I beg, I get angry, I get sad, and I try so hard to find some sort of peace. But I am not there yet, at a place where I have found peace in my parents' deaths. I don't even think I am close to there. 


I have learned though, losing them has taught me so much. I've learned to say what I need to say when I need to say it. I say "I love you" 100 times more, because you can never hear it enough. I appreciate everything I have in my life and have learned to let go of the things I dont have or can't have. I have learned that taking a few hours a week to do things I love to do, read, get my hair done or my nails, watch a movie, is not selfish but it is good for the soul. 

I havent figured anything out about the grieving process, except for that there is no wrong way to do it. The truth is, I am not really in the writing mood today, I have nothing original to say, I really just want to get back to cleaning my bathrooms, because cleaning makes me feeling better. 

So here is what I said the day we laid my mom to rest:


Good Morning... My brothers and I are once again overwhelmed by the love and support we have been shown not only over the last 3 weeks but for the last 3 months. So many people, some we know and a lot we don't, have reached out to us and shared stories and their memories of our Mother with us. We never realized how many lives she has touched until now.

Julia Anne Ockman was born on March 26, 1955 the oldest of 4 children born to Wilson "WaWa" and Margaret Ockman. On August 17, 1974 she married Carl Trosclair Jr, that same year she started her journey as a teacher. She was a mother to 3 sons, Shane, Steven and Carl III, and one daughter, Emilee. A Grandmother to 8 little angels, Camden, Seth, Brody, Caitlyn, Cole, Drew, Izabella and Amanda.

My mother was the one known for standing behind a podium in our family. She was a teacher to her core. She never believed their was a child that could not be taught, a child that she could not teach. We estimate that over her 37 year teaching career that she taught nearly 4000 students, including summer school and tutoring. I can only hope to touch a fraction of the number of lives my mom has. She was an inspiration not only to the students she taught but also to the teachers she taught with. many of whom have shared with us over the last few weeks just how much she meant to them, she was their shoulder to lean on, their mentor.
Over the last few years when walking more than a few feet became impossible, she still got out of bed in the morning, went to the school that had become a second home to her and taught students she had grown to love. if you are wondering where my brothers and I have gotten strength over the last few weeks, it's from her, because she raised us and she was the strongest woman I have ever known.

She wasn't only an incredible teacher, she was a daughter, sister, aunt, nanny, friend, and she was amazing at all of them.
To her 4 children the most important roles she held in life were those of, wife, mother and grandmother...
my mom and dad's love story was an epic one. I never knew what heartbreak looked like until I saw my mom lose my dad. I can only pray that after 36 years my husband and I love and adore each other the way in which my parents loved and adored one another.
Our mother was our cheerleader and biggest fan in life. She always encouraged us to dream big, set goals for ourselves and go after them. She sacrificed her nails and hair color for us. You could either find her pacing nervously at a baseball game or at a pageant. She loved them both because it's what made us happy. She supported us without pushing us, so when I decided I no longer wanted to dance and Steven only made it through one peewee football practice she made sure we knew that was ok, she was still proud of us.
She taught us that family would always be the most important and precious gift we have in life. A lesson I am grateful to have learned because I realize that it is with each other our family will begin to heal during the hardest time in our life.
She instilled in us so many of her traits and values that we will pass along to our children, her favorite people in the world, her 8 grand babies.
My mom loved being a maw maw. She was so proud to tell everyone about each one of them, and even more proud to pull out her brag books. My heart hurts knowing the baby I am carrying, will never get to meet her, but it's comforting to know that  our children have 2 amazing angels who will have the best seats watching them grow up.
I can only hope to be half the mother to my children that my mom was to me. That when my daughter has a broken heart, I find the words to help her heal. When she is happy I can share in her joy. When she is sad she comes to me for comfort. that I make sure my children always know that I am proud to be their Mother. And that when they need advice because they are unsure of how to be a parent, they come to me and I find a way to reassure them, the way my mom has done for me over the last year.

I'd like to imagine that if my mom were able to speak to all of us today she would tell us not to be sad for her, because she is in a better place. A place where she is in no pain and can walk, run, or dance with her husband, a place where there is a marching band for her to lead, an endless library of books to read, a baseball game for her to watch, a never-ending mardi GRAS parade with beads to catch and a classroom of students who need to be taught.... I'd imagine she'd simply say to us, "class dismissed."