October.

October

For as long as I can remember October has been one of my favorite months. October means Gumbo, Halloween, fall. I've always loved October, I have always looked forward to October. This year is different, this year all I feel is dread.

October 2010, the last month my father was alive. My last memories of my dad are in October. The last place I went with my dad was the Gumbo Festival (my favorite weekend of the year) as he held Izabella I watched in awe at how proud he was to show her off. That same weekend was also the last time I spent the night at my parents with both of them there. He woke up with Bella so that I could get some sleep. October 30, 2010, the last time I sat on my daddy's swing with him while he finally got Bella to sleep, we watched the traffic go by and gossiped like 2 little old ladies. The last time he kissed my cheek and told me to be careful, the last time I felt his arms around me, the last time I heard his voice.

 October 31, 2010, the Saints vs Steelers game, I didn't talk to him that day but for the life of me I cannot remember why I didn't call him first thing Monday morning. The morning that changed my life. I could have heard his voice again. I could have heard "I love you" one more time... Why didn't I call?

I dread October for all the "lasts" it holds. I dread October because it will bring November. I hate November. I hate November for all the "firsts" it held last year and will hold again this year. 

I hate November for breaking my heart.

I know that I need to focus on the good and happy firsts November will bring, but my heart is still so broken. I am trying to learn how to do that. How to focus on the good, the happy. I know that is what they would want for me. 

But for now, I just want to sleep through November. Wake me up when its over. (Although I know the months that follow will not be any easier.)