1 year 5 months.

It's been awhile. That is in part to never having time to sit at the computer, and not having anything new to say. But, I thought I would give a little update anyway. So, here is where I am at:

I still miss them. Everyday, all day. There is the hole in my heart, in my life where they should be. I find that as tine goes on I am use to them being gone in some ways, I no longer check my phone constantly to make sure my mom didn't call, I stopped picking up the phone to call them. I don't look to see if it is them in every silver Ford Focus I see. But in other ways the pain is getting worse, the hole is getting bigger. As my daughters get older, as they learn new things, my heart breaks, I want to share it with my mom and dad. I want Izabella to sing to them. I want my dad to swing with Carlee and my mom to sing in her ear. I want them to be a part of their lives, here on earth, with me. I know that is selfish, but it is what it is. I will never stop wanting them here with me. I may be 26 years old, a wife and a mother, but I am still just a girl who wants her Mommy and Daddy. Every part of me screams for them to be here with me.

One thing that has changed, or improved, I am not mad anymore. I've never talked about that here, because it "taboo" or just not something people like to admit to, but I was FURIOUS with God for a very long time. I tried really hard not to be, I tried to accept that it was HIS plan HIS will. I tried to accept that it was not for me to know why things happened the way they did. But I couldn't. I was mad. I was angry. I screamed. Then one day I woke up and didn't feel as mad as the day before, until I got here. I am not mad, I am not angry. I accept that it is HIS plan. It taught me to let go, to not dwell on the things that I cannot change. And it taught me to live. We are only given one life. And none of us know just how long that life will be. So, live it. Now, there is no pause button, no later. There is only now. It's taught me to not take anyone for granted. I am so blessed with amazing people in my life, people who have literally saved me and I hope I show them just how much I appreciate them.

And lastly, I can finally talk about them without breaking down. So, I talk about them a lot with the girls. I show pictures and try my best to explain to my 2 year old who they are and how much they loved her. And when we talk about Maw Maw Julia and Paw Paw Carl she smiles and says "my angels."

She is only 2 and her Sissy is only 7 months, but they have been my saving grace for the last year and 5 months. In the days and weeks following my mom's death, I got out of bed everyday to take care of Izabella, I took care of myself to take care of Carlee. They saved me.

The Miranda Lambert song, "Over You" sums up how I feel pretty perfectly, I will never get over them.