Carlee Marie

I have been avoiding writing this post, one, because I haven't been able to find the words to accurately explain how I am feeling, and two, because I know it will be an extremely personal post. You can't write about the birth of your child without it being personal. So, here goes...

Carlee Marie entered this world on August 23, 2011 at 8:12am. She weighed 7 pounds 14 ounces and was 20 1/2 inches. She is absolutely perfect. Seeing her, holding her, kissing her for the first time, life made sense. The first moments of her life were happening so fast I had no time to think of anything other than the perfect little girl I had been blessed with. 

It wasn't until an hour or so later when I felt the "bitter" to this bittersweet day. Seeing my in-laws hold their new granddaughter for the first time I felt a piece of my  heart break again. Watching my husband watch his parents hold his little girl with such pride in his eyes reminded me that I will never have that moment. I will never see Carlee is my mom and dad's arms. She will never hear their voices.  

I guess to fully give you a glimpse into my head, my heart, I have to take you back a few months, well, about 9. The first few months or so of my pregnancy were a blur, I don't think it really hit me that I was going to have another baby until I started to feel her move around. There was just so much going on, so much I had to process. And part of me was too afraid to really embrace the pregnancy, I was terrified that this baby was just someone else that I would lose. There was a moment, around the time we found out we were having a girl, when I thought that I would find some sort of peace when Carlee would be born. I truly believed that I would feel better, happier, that I would be healed. That moment has yet to happen. The birth of my daughter has not made the death of my parents any easier.

Please, do not misunderstand what I am saying. I absolutely adore and am completely in love with my sweet baby girl. I just expected, or at least hoped that having her here would heal me. Would make me "ok" again. She fills my life with a thousand times more joy. I have 2 beautiful little girls who give me a reason to smile, to laugh, to dance, to play. Even on the hardest days, its impossible not to smile the moment I see their faces.

However, with the joy comes the heartache. Because it is impossible for me to not wish they were here to witness it all. Every milestone one of my girls' reaches is also a reminder of the heartbreak I have experienced. Izabella learns a new word, or does something cute or funny, and I immediately want to pick up the phone to call and share it with my parents. Carlee is crying and I can't calm her, and I want my mother's advice.

Those things will never change, I realize that now. I just have to learn to live with the sorrow that will always be in my heart. I have to learn to let the joy, the happiness I feel not be overtaken by the sorrow, the sadness. One day...

(Carlee is now a month old and weighs 10 pounds 8 ounces and is 22 1/4 inches! Izabella better watch out, her baby sister may not be her "little" sister for long! She is doing well, and is a happy baby, except from the hours of 7-10pm, silly colic! Bella loves her sister and often wants to hug and kiss her without us asking her to. I live a truly blessed life.)

God gave me you...